Solution Based Questions

One of the issues we've been dealing with around here is "demand and respond". As in, the children demand, usually in a whine and typically without pausing before repeating the demand and escalating their voices, and then I respond by getting what is needed (and getting frustrated and agitated) and come away feeling unappreciated and "walked over". So, we've started something else.

Instead of just jumping to meet their demands (ie, in the morning I hear "I"m hungry" and then I would typically ask what they wanted to eat and then go get it), I've been making them stop and rephrase their words so there is a solution. (ie, "Mama, could you get me some yogurt, please?)

Even my two year old can rephrase his expressions into "solution based questions" with only the simple reminder of "Can you change that to a solution?" They no longer get their "needs" fulfilled simply by stating the condition.

I think this will be beneficial. It will teach them to think of the solution and be more polite. It will also help me to feel appreciated and not like my nerves are being grated with a cheese grater! After all, little children must, at some point, grow to be full functioning adults. This is one step to keep the peace and teach them a valuable lesson at the same time. And one step to becoming full functioning adults.

A Struggle For Balance

"It is true that parenting is physically exhausting, emotionally draining, and mentally demanding. No one will give you good grades or blue ribbons for what you do as a mother."
~Susan W. Tanner

This quote rings true all the time. But none more so than now. Over the last few weeks I've seen a rapid decline in myself. What has caused it? Quite simply: motherhood. Before I go on, let me just say that I recognize and accept and cherish the calling of mother. But, like myself, I know there are many of us who feel that we don't measure up enough of the time.

Things around here seem to have turned upside down. Where there were willing kids (at least some of the time) there are now children who deliberately disobey, ignore, and refuse to help. By the same token, where there was a patient, soft spoken, understanding mom, there is now a tired, uncaring, screaming and yelling one. Let me just say that screaming and yelling hasn't changed anything. (Of course, neither has lowering my voice.)

Needless to say, I am feeling more drained from motherhood than I think I've ever felt. And I don't have the answer. I don't know how to make things different. But in reading through some of my favorite quotes (trying to do something meaningful for myself) I saw the one above and the one below which holds the answer:

"What a beautiful place this world will be when every father and mother see the importance of teaching their children the principles that will help them be happy and successful. Parents teach best when they lead by good example; govern their little ones with patience and kindness, and love unfeigned; and have the same spirit of love for children that Jesus exemplified."
~Elder M. Russell Ballard

Though I do not know by which magical key I can flip the switch, I know that I must rely on the Lord to help me regain my patience. To, in essence, work harder for a short time to re-establish harmony and order. In other words, to put all else aside and not loose my temper to show them the way and to let them see and feel that I love them no matter what. All else can wait, as a wonderful poem says:

"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."
~Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Truly they don't. The mess will always be there. I can teach them by working with them. But more than that, if the mess isn't totally gone, I can love them. And hold them close. If I focus on everything else, they will be gone. And what they'll remember will leave them wanting. I do not want my children to feel they were slighted. I want them to know, beyond a doubt, that I love them. I want them to grow up and look back with smiles.

Able - Available - Same Thing (Right?)

In seems the pool is foremost in the minds of my little girls. Gabi is forever telling me she needs to "get wet" because she's "too hot." (I'm gonna hate to see her in the summer time!) And Beth has a new word which works into every conversation she has....sometimes the right way, and sometimes, like today, in ways which make me laugh.

Beth: "In deep pools I think I need arm floaties or a ring to keep me above water. Maybe I'll be available to go under water when I'm 8....to get baptized."

Corn Socks

When we got back from T-Ball tonight (of which Beth did great and had a lot of fun, and Jeremy couldn't make up his mind whether to do T-Ball or play on the playground), Daddy was out back pulling out the corn stalks from last year so that he could get the garden prepared to turn under. The kids went out back to happily help out. I went inside to make ice cream cones.

As the cones came out, everyone gathered around. Mom and Dad chatted with the kids all the while Jeremy continued to play with the corn stalks. He was holding one up just as high as he could and told us to look at the "CORN SOCKS"! Bethie tried to correct him, but he was pretty certain that he knew what they were called! :)

A World Of Dance

That was the theme for dance this year! It was really neat to see all the different costumes and then to see the different styles of dance put to ballet, pointe, tap, hip-hop, acrobates, and jazz. I was really impressed with with I was able to see of it all!

Friday night was dress rehearsal! Talk about crazy for me!

The girls were very excited (we were able to leave the boys at home thanks to our home teaching couple), but from the week's activities, they were also very tired. I was not sure how things would go with Beth (she's hard in new situations even with sleep. Without sleep is just trouble). But, I'd talked with Gabi before hand letting her know that she would probably be doing a lot of it herself (the changing and lining up). Thank goodness she's so independent and had friends there whose mothers were very willing to help out!




There wasn't much gap between the girls' routines (one dance in between the first time, and two the last time with Gabi somewhere in the middle of that also). So that made it fun in the "line them up, walk them down the hall, wait until they are ready to be left alone, and run in to see them dance, then run back out to meet up with them"!













Beth was nervous about me leaving her in the hallway to go see Gabi dance, but she just scowled a little and set her jaw. Once she got through the first dance, she was fine! But another little girl was not. Her mother had left her in the hall (like most mom's do) thinking she'd do better that way. I was the only familiar adult face and she was crying and wouldn't let go of my hand. I almost didn't get to see any of Gabi's first dance that night, but I convinced her to let me run in and see if I could find her mother. The place was too big and dark, so I snapped only a couple of pictures (not even knowing if any came out okay) and raced back to be with her. I had promised I would come back and stay with her myself if I couldn't find her mother right away. It was hard to not see Gabi and take all those pictures, but I knew what I would have wanted someone else to do if it had been Beth. And fortunately, Gabi was very understanding when I told her what happened. (And during the actual performance, I was able to watch all of my girls' dances)



All the kids had so much fun in the "dressing room" while they were waiting for their next dances. All of Beth's class were dressed up as little lions and they started chasing Gabi and her friends around. This, of course, started with Beth and Gabi playing themselves and the others joining in. There was a bunch of roaring and laughter! And the little lions all climbed up on one of the tables to get their picture taken together.



It seemed that the moms in the preschool class were much more interested in "posing" and "cute" pictures. Gabi's class (and the moms there) were much more laid back and just visiting quietly.

Beth and Amber had several pictures taken together, and we made sure to get pictures of Amber for her mother (since her mom's camera was broken). Amber and Beth were friends all year, but Rosie (Amber's mom) and I really only got to know each other back in the end of March. She's deaf and had tried to ask me a question about recital, so I was able to try to pull up some of my sign language. She was very excited that I knew little, and we signing through the preschool class whenever we were both there. I wish I'd had been bold enough to approach her at the beginning of the year because I had seen indications that she might be deaf. But honestly, I was terrified because I hadn't used signing for conversation since college! (Just a few words here and there with the kids). It was fun to see how quickly I was able to brush up on my skills, and learn new signs. It was neat the first Saturday that I came home and realized that I had not had to write anything down on paper to get the full meaning across! It's been great. And she a wonderful person.

Unfortunately she'll be moving at the end of the summer. But, until then, we're going to try to get the girls together some and I'm going to do my best to keep up with the signing! I love it and it was great to have a reason to "dig it out of the closet".

So, recital! The girls were, to say the least, very tired! Grami Cretia, Tia, and Baby Braeden came up late Friday night so they would be there to watch on Saturday. That really meant a lot to the girls. And we recorded their dances for family and friends who were not able to make the trip!

Everything went well for the girls, until Bethie's Lion King dance (her ballet). It had already been over an hour and a half since she'd been on stage with her tap, so she was really run down, tired, and BORED. Since the costume was full feathers, many feathers were shedding from the costumes. Bethie found a couple and was holding them, blowing on them to keep herself entertained. I walked to the backstage door and then ran around to be able see her. The acrobates on stage were just finishing up. The lights went out so they could put away the mats and just before the lights went back on, I heard a cry. It sounded like Beth. "Oh, No!" I thought. And I was no where close enough to find out the problem and get her calmed down.

But, then I didn't hear anything for a minute. The music started. Bethie, being the last in the row, shuffled out (although she might have had a little help, I'm not sure). She was crying. Stood sideways, rubbing her eyes, crying and crying and getting louder and louder. Suddenly someone steps over and picks her up and carries her off. I run out the door and down the hallway to meet them as they come out the door.

As I get her calmed down, I find out that someone (not certain who, though it sounds like one of the adults) took the two feathers out of her hand. So although I'm dumbfounded as to why anyone would take away feathers from the hand of a 4 year old when the whole costume is feathers, I refocus on her, explained quickly to the helper what happened. She didn't comment, but went backstage again. I told Beth if she could calm down she could go out and finish the dance with her friends. She started in all over again because she needed it to start all over again. I had to explain that they couldn't do that. And when she was finally calm enough to go back on, the kids were coming out the door. So, that set her off again. She was screaming as I started to race her off to the changing room. But, because she wanted to watch Gabi's last dance, she calmed down and I was able to send her in to sit with the family. We also told her that we'd let her dress up and do the dance at home and we'd record it for her Gramis. That made her a little happier.



She's still sad about not being able to dance. And I've managed to calm myself down from the (as a friend once put it) "mother bear reaction". It was hard. My daughter was sad, crying, upset. She's 4, but dancing in her life right now. She's a perfectionist, and she's got certain sensitivities that she's been working hard to over come but which make it really hard to transition quickly, or let go of sudden emotion. I do realize that no one there knew this about her. And most likely, being a dark space, they simply saw she had something in her hand and wanted to make sure she would be safe and took it out, not knowing it was only feathers. Or, they might have been knocked out when they were bringing the kids forward to start out onto the stage. In any case, I'm certain that no one was trying to be mean or trying to upset her. But the result was crushing for Bethie. (I'm sure she'll move past it, and I'm sure dance will still be her passion).

Before all that happened, Bethie had her cowgirl/boy dance ("You've Got-A Friend In Me") of which someone had told her class that they were going to "steal the show". So, of course, Bethie needed to know what that meant. And sure enough, Saturday night, they got hoots and cheers in excess as they went on and went off. They were very cute.

Gabi was charming! She had worked so hard on each routine at home; practicing over and over and over again. She practiced "Run, Run, Rudolph" so many times that I think Beth and Jeremy knew the routine too! It was not uncommon to hear any of them, and Jeremy in particular, running around the house with hands on hips singing "Run, Run, Rudolph, Santa's gotta make it to town. Yeah, Yeah." By far Gabi's favorite was her acrobats.

Bob and I thought her Mulan one (the ballet) was the most beautiful. I suppose part of that would have been because the colors were really very good on her. Regardless, she loves to dance and it showed. Her tap was a little "congo" and I caught Gabi singing "the rhythm is gonna get you" throughout the day Saturday and again Sunday. She was a shining star!













Anyway, you'll see five videos in addition to the pictures. The pictures are from Friday night, the videos are from Saturday night. With the one exception of Bethie's one that we had her do here so that Gramis could see it. You can see how hard it was for her because she's a perfectionist and doesn't believe it is okay to forget or mess up. We had to do the dance a couple of times and I had to explain that it was okay if she forgot a part and to just wait until she heard something that reminded her of what to do next. (When they are on stage, they have someone in the wings dancing with them so they can remember it all. That made all the difference for Beth to feel comfortable about dancing in front of people).



Most of the videos start out-of-focus. That had to do with the black background starting and the camera not knowing where or on what to focus. Just keep watching and they will clear up. Sorry that they weren't clear all the way through.

Enjoy. The girls certainly had a wonderful time!

At Times We Are All Weary

Last Sunday our family traveled, once again, for a High Council assignment. Although it's not always easy to get four little ones up and dressed and fed (without messing up clothes) and then settled into reverence after driving for so long, the blessings we always receive make us look forward to each assignment given. This past Sunday was like that, but it was also a lot more for me.

Since you'll recall that our family (and me in particular) went through a rather lengthen spell of illnesses a couple of months ago, I'm sure you can understand why I was so run down and feeling so empty. I eagerly "drank in" all there was to hear at both General Conference and Stake Conference. My soul needed this greatly! My heart was lifted, although I must admit that I had not gotten enough. My reserve was so empty that although Conferences are a feast, and then some, they were not enough to completely fill me.

Life has also been weighing me down. The day to day things which seem to be thankless (and therefore are not thought of by others to thank you for), the added stresses of our own family "adventures" - baseball, dance, real estate options (no, we're not moving), and then there were all the uncontrolables. I like control... not necessarily order, although I've been finding I like that more and more with each kid I have, but certainly control. It seemed there were too many things beyond my control which would (or were already) effecting our family greatly.

I am also very fortunate, because not only do I know that I have my Savior to turn to, I have a wonderfully supportive (although, especially with kids, they sometimes show it in odd ways) family. I have people who love me and care about me.

So back to last Sunday. Since I speak with my husband when we go on His assignments, I knew that I would need to prepare a talk. At General Conference, I knew one of those talks would be the one I needed to prepare mine around. I was drawn to Elder Wirthlin's talk on Concern For The One. He spoke about three groups of people who end up falling away from the gospel. I believe his purpose was for us to better understand these people and then to understand better how we might assist them.

In any case, my talk was focused on taking the insight he gave to us of these three groups (Some are lost because they (are): different, weary, stray) and how we might be able to help them before they become "lost".

I realized that each of these categories were not only different, but through all three, everyone was included. Even those we see as strong, indestructible, "perfect", and in high callings. The one that stood out was "Some are lost because they are weary" for weariness comes from everything in life. It doesn't have to be specific to the gospel, to our callings, to the people within the church. It's the daily life, the illnesses, the sense of emptiness, the not having anyone help out, or call. It comes from worry: for self, for family, for friends, for others. It comes from trials and struggles. It comes from the weight of responsibility. When we are weary, we set ourselves apart (though not intentionally), and that is what makes being weary so dangerous.

But, as with the others, there is a simple cure. If we would constantly look around us toward others, to call them, to serve them, to show our love and care for them. If they aren't there, don't assume it's sickness or vacation and then do nothing. Pick up the phone, stop by their house. Serve them. It doesn't take much to open the windows for weariness to pass out of.

In the end, the key concepts were to get to know other people, stepping outside of ourselves and our cliques, NOT passing judgement, and SERVING in SINCERE LOVE. The biggest point being: We feel the love of our Savior through the love of His servants. We are all the Lord's servants, and need to be able and willing to act according the the promptings of the Spirit - how well are we doing His work?

It was after giving this talk that I finally felt filled again. Though I already knew this information, I greatly needed that reminder. Not just because it had been what I needed from others, but because it reminded me that I, too, have a responsibility to seek out others. That wallowing in my own weariness was not helping, and that I needed to allow the Lord's love that had come from others to fully heal me and allow me to move on. I know my circumstance, in this instance, was short lived. I know there are many others for whom weariness is a daily battle. These people certainly need us to be more active in seeking them out. No matter how strong they are, their burdens are only lighter when we seek to serve them and support them.

Though I've been told by many that the talk was really good, I know that it was not exactly what I had written down. It was prepared through inspiration, and delivered by the Spirit. My words were merely the "transportation" so that the Spirit might be able to teach and testify to each. Because of this, I do not feel it would help to post my talk. But I would certainly encourage anyone who is interested to sit down with a Hymn book and Elder Wirthlin's talk. Open your Hymn book to page 220 ("Lord, I Would Follow Thee") and read over the words to each verse. Ponder them each for a moment. Then read through Elder Worthlin's talk keeping in mind the focus to learn how to help these people before they become "lost". Ponder as you read. And let the Spirit teach you what it was able to teach both me and the congregation that I was speaking to.

A You're Adorable

Beth had her first dancing-on-the-stage experience today. It was a practice, in her normal dance wear. Never-the-less, she couldn't help but take the spot light with Miss Jodi!

Beth: "Miss Jodi, Am I Adorable?"
Miss Jodi: "Yes, Beth. You are adorable."
Beth: "My daddy says I'm very adorable."

An Apple And Some Floss

On Gabi's 6th birthday, she discovered, to her wonderful excitement, that she had a loose tooth. Now, loose is all relative. It was barely noticeable, but she had been waiting for this for a year! It was, to her, the most exciting and amazing thing.

But, then came the boring part... the wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait...wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait... wait...

Well, you get the picture! In with all that waiting comes the pain... every so often she'd find it hurt to eat a carrot stick. Then it was would hurt to bite a cookie. It was always something different, and with the tooth being in the front, she'd not be able to eat something one time, but have no trouble the next (being that she learned to use just her back teeth for this).

So, as the rest of the family patiently endured the numerous complaints of "when is it going to fall out", she finally let it go and didn't bring it up again..... Until last night! She was eating an apple. A nice, ripe, juicy apple as a wonderful way to tie up her dinner!

Suddenly she exclaims "Ouch!" and then walks to the trash to throw away her apple. It was not finished by any standard (or at least not mine) and I told her she needed to finish it. So she explained that it hurt and she couldn't. As she did this, I noticed blood in her mouth and asked her if I could see her mouth. She came to be telling me her tooth hurt and it seemed more wiggly.

Sure enough, the tooth was about half way unattached. I didn't tell her that, but I did tell her that it would likely fall out sometime this week. I also started think about what kinds of soft food I could send to school for lunch so she wouldn't end up swallowing the tooth if it came out at school!

She proceeded to the bathroom, because she noticed blood on her finger after wiggling it. That's when she noticed it was hanging some and looked crooked. She wanted to know if there was a way we could just "take it out". To which I told her there was, but it might hurt. And Bob added "It will certainly hurt."

She wasn't too interested at that point and decided she'd wait for it to fall out by itself. Evidently, she changed her mind after she'd gone to bed (and me too - since I'm trying to catch up from vacation). She and Dad went in search of something to tie to her tooth. All the while, to my understanding, with a reminder that if the tooth wasn't fully ready to come out that it would hurt when they did it. They found themselves in the bathroom, with the dental floss......I think the picture tells the rest!

Anyway, a very excited and happy Gabi came up to wake me and tell me she'd finally lost her tooth... and it didn't hurt at all! Another milestone marked! She's now joined the ranks for the toothless... and at school, that's a good thing! :)

Grami Cretia's

See... I told you are vacation was busy... crazy schedule!

I mentioned briefly that Peter had gotten sick. He also needed up with this very weird rash. I thought it was just his eczema acting up, but I'm not so sure any more. It's similar, but it also seems different. Still, we're home now and I'll be trying a few things, and if it doesn't tame it, we'll go in and see what the cause might be.

May I also say that housekeeping was great! We just called them up and told them what happened and left the stuff for them. Because there were so many extra blankets and pillows anyway, we told them we didn't need to the stuff back, but they made sure we had clean things anyway!

So, we took the personal items that had been made not so pleasant (which we'd stored out on the deck until time to go to Mom's) and had them washed there! Thank you so much, Mom! (There actually was a washer and dryer in the unit, but it seemed silly to run a whole load just for that)

The kids love to be at Grami's.. and this time was no exception. There were lots of toys to play with (we had left almost everything at home.) and there was Baby Braeden to adore. They spent time with Grami working on their gifts for Daddy, which were given at a cook-out in his honor. They also decorated (very decorated) a chocolate cake for him.

Meanwhile, Erin had come down too, and she and I put together the cake for Kayleen's baby shower. It was fun to be with everyone, even if the party ended up starting three hours late. The girls were especially excited to be with Libby again too!

Tia was in charge of games and had put together a baby bingo and word search. But the excitement came when she brought out the tub of water filled with pacifiers. The original game involved two people go to bob for binkies at the same time and the one who gets it first "wins" or goes on to compete against the winner of the next group and so on. But we're all family... so we let the little kids get in on it too.

Tia even let Braeden have a turn... he was interested in trying to grab them, but then enjoyed playing with the water more. He seemed to be having a great time, so she tucked his toes in, and that ended things... the water was cooler then he liked it!

You'll notice that Peter is not wearing sleeves. Daddy packed the stuff to take to Grami's. He grabbed the outfit, saw that it had built in shorts and assumed it also had built in sleeves. There is actually a shirt that goes with it. But, what do you do when you don' t have extra clothes? So, I took pictures anyway, and laughed at Bob for making the mistake... I think he'll check the clothes better next time. :)

In passing the time, Bob went outside where he discovered a bunch of log chunks that needed to make their way to the back where there was a nice pile set aside. Once they were removed, there was also a bunch ov brush and leaves to dispose of. He had started in with doing all that, and Erin noticed there was something to be done. And much like Bob, she can't sit and do nothing for long, so she was out beside him helping get things done!

In all this stuff that Bob got done between Grami Cretia's and Great Grandma's and Grandpa's, we ended up with some Cherry wood from Great Grandpa and a boat from Erin! Getting the boat home was kind of fun! We picked it up at night and rigged up a strapping of sorts which required several stops along the way back to the resort. But, in the day light, at the resort, Bob set to strapping it right and we had no trouble on the way home! Thanks, Erin for the boat... we're very excited to try it out later this year!

So, although crazy and busy, there was much fun to be had visiting with family and letting the cousins run together! (Grami even had a sand and water table out side which the kids really enjoyed) It was nice to be back after being away for most of a year!