As Gabi has been 5 and now 6, I have watched her shift from the more pleasant and peaceful (cooperative) child to one who demands that she get her way. I've often wondered what makes a child go into such a "destructive" zone. Destructive because it causes such emotional heartache (mostly for herself), distance in relationships (because we can't seem to understand one another any more... I know, just wait until she's a teenager... okay... I'm dreading that), and, at times, because she physically lashes out at whatever is around her (objects, not typically people.. therefore, dangerous, once again, to herself).
But I also have seen her continue to show genuine concern, love and compassion for others. She's sensitive by nature, and has a truly sweet heart. I've especially enjoyed seeing this side of her come out today as she's spent time with her cousin.
See, we brought Libby up here to stay with us for a week (maybe longer, depending on how quickly her mom is able to recover) so that her mother could rest a little easier when she has baby brother on Monday by way of C-Section. She's two weeks older than Peter. (I now know what it's like to have twins in the 16 month stage).
Libby loves people.. children especially. And Gabi loves to have a reason to pamper and dote on someone else. A little someone else. Someone whom she can just love and help and make happy. (They say children preform based on the people they see the most... I guess I should take this as a compliment) Gabi is with her most of the time. Making sure she's got enough to eat, that she's got the right toy, that she has help on the slide. She speaks to her in soft, sweet tones. It's wonderful to see this side of Gabi linger so long today!
It's also made me stop and think. Why, when her very nature is to be so loving and gentle and kind would she be so deliberately cruel, resentful, rude. And then I realized the answer. It's me. (No, I'm not taking too much credit... not yet anyway.) Really. It's me. And her dad. And maybe her grandparents (though I can't say that for sure). And maybe her teachers (again, I can't say that for sure either)... so, let me explain!
All her life, Bob and I have tried to instill in our children a sense of empowerment. We feel very strongly that all children need to be empowered. We feel it helps with self worth, and in building a strong, secure character. We have taught her (and her siblings... oh, boy... look out) that they have free agency. They have been blessed with the ability to make choices. For better or worse. They have a choice to make every moment of every day. As she's grown, we've given her choices so that she would have to choose something and then recognize the conscious effort in choosing. They were safe choices; then they were helping her stop and recognize good and bad choices.
What I have mistakenly seen as resentful, spiteful, hateful moments from my daughter, are not in fact such. They are, instead, a child trying to act and not be acted upon. How do I know this? Because whenever such battles arise, it never fails that we'll hear something about how "it's my choice" or "I get to choose" or "you can't make that choice for me".
We have explained to our children that along with choice comes stewardships and responsibilities. We are all children of God. We are all equal in that way. But through His marvelous plan, families were created, so that we could help each other, teach each other, and learn and grow together. And that, as parents, a loving Heavenly Father requires us to protect, teach and even, at times, to discipline the children He has so careful grated us stewardship over.
I can see where these two issues would create friction. Gabi knows that the family is ordained of God. That His gospel is true. She also knows that she has a right and a responsibility to make her own choices. But what she's been learning is how those two parts work together. She has been learning that she still has a choice, even when Mom and Dad seem to be making the choice for her. She can choose to obey or disobey. And she understands that she chooses her consequence at the time she chooses her action. And that actions and consequences are inseparably connected (not that she always likes this).
This complex set of "rules" which was expounded from the original "you always have a choice to make" is more difficult to stomach. Not because it's more confusing. No, more because it's accepting that free agency came at a price. And because it came at a price, there are rules. And so, free agency does not mean that we are free to do whatever we want without consequence. But rather, free agency is free because it allows us to choose to obey our Lord and Savior who died for us. And in so doing, we must accept His plan which binds us to stewardships, responsibilities, and the consequences of our actions (our choices). Learning to faithfully and steadily follow these complexities requires that we make sacrifices (not always doing what we might first think we want to do) and to trust that someone, who loves us more dearly than all, knows better than us.
It is a struggle.
I still believe in empowering her. But now, when the sweet and gentle Gabi slips away behind the mask of anger and retaliation, I can remember that she's going through a struggle, as she learns what it really means to have free agency.
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