Oh, it's not the kids. It's not the house. It's not even life.... I don't think. It's that things have started to slow.... sort of.
I was in over-drive before California. I was sick most of California. We went mad with the carpet just after. Then I had my sister here for a good visit (although I'm sure she's happy to be home for many reasons... including not having to listen to a 19 month and 3 year old yell most of the time).
I've been trying to work on this project... first some of the fabric was left at the store... remedy, have friend grab it and bring it to church for me... then the printer died... and we got another one... and it didn't work well... though three days of fighting and I managed to get the transfers printed... then there was life that never slowed down... still, no big deal... I thought I'd start cutting pieces while my sister was here... discovered I'd left the rotatory cutter in her room.. in the desk... no not there... later to find in the closet....who knew... then get going... things are working out.... seems to be coming together (FINALLY)... can't find the sewing machine... not because it wasn't in it's home... because I forgot it had a new home.... found it... bobbin kept tangling (how is that possible with an auto tension?)... finally got that fixed (don't ask me how)... moving along...then I tried to finish the last part... with the shaggy material and the stitch I was trying to use, I managed to sew the presser foot to the fabric.. yup... I could take off the foot... then I could move it and the fabric away... totally attached... removed that... discovered I might be able to get a straight stitch in... that keeps bunching... I'll be handing sewing... that's a lot of hand sewing.... it will take me the better part of another week.... and there you have it for good intentions!
Anyway, in all of that, I've "slowed" enough to be able to think and feel again. Apparently that's not a good thing. However, I try to keep in mind a quote (that I'm sure I'll flub up and for which I can't seem to refind so I can't give you the author - I had read four or five articles all at the same time) which basically said:
Even Jesus wept when he learned that Lazarus had died, even though He knew He'd be raising Lazarus from the dead.
The point was that although Jesus knew the death was temporary, he still cried. He still mourned with those that mourned. He still felt and allowed himself to feel the sadness that comes from missing and knowing you will miss someone. To feel the heartache of both self and others. Crying is okay.
I guess that's where I'm at. I'm okay most of the time, and my circumstances and feelings surrounding Savannah's death are different and unique from everyone elses, but that's part of what makes it hurt so much. It's part of why I find myself with tears that I can't bite back.
But it's okay.. because, after all, the Lord provides things to make us laugh (as my mother and I did over the presser foot). I mean, really, can you just picture a presser foot completely sewed onto the edge of a blanket?
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